Opinion/Resources/Teen Perspective

By Teen Opinion Contributor Maggie Verdught

Photo: Deposit

Happy belated Valentine’s Day… or month! There were some complications with this article, so it took me a bit longer to start and finish it, but here we are! I hope that this Valentine’s Day, you took some time to celebrate loved ones in your life. Perhaps this article’s delay was a blessing – now, stepping back from the commercialism and excitement of this holiday, we can focus on the more biblical meaning and application of true love.

I have interviewed three couples from my church for this article, to share what marital love looks like in a God-centered relationship. Each of these couples is in a different stage of life. Here they are, in order of age: Mike and Ronda, then my parents, Molly and Jared, and lastly, Carter and Anna. (Carter is actually the youth pastor at my church!)

All of these couples have children. They all have different life experiences to draw from in their wisdom as well. I highly respect all of them and what they have to share.

Whether you are single, dating, or married, there is much value in reading what these couples have to say. Ultimately, we are all here on this earth to glorify God, and marriage is a beautiful picture of the relationship between Christ and his Bride, the church. If you do not receive any marriage advice through this article, at least consider the implications of what this means for our relationship with God. How can we better reflect His image? What can obedience to God look like?

To Carter & Anna: What was something difficult for you to get used to once you got married? (your spouse’s mannerisms, way of doing things, etc.)  

Carter: Our experience was different from the normal narrative we hear about this. We dated for 3.5 years before we got married. So by the time we got married, we had already worked through a lot of the differences and surprises that some couples encounter in their first year of marriage. But if I could think back to our dating relationship as things were getting serious, there are things that we had to navigate. The biggest was probably how we processed stress and dealt with it. We would both say that we have greatly helped each other with that. Our strengths in this area (though very different from each other) have worn off on each other and have helped to combat our weaknesses.

Anna: I completely agree with Carter. Additionally, I think that one of the hardest adjustments for me after getting married was coming face to face with just how selfish I actually was. Before marriage, I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, without really thinking about how it affected anyone else. But suddenly there was another person whose needs, preferences, and feelings had to be factored into every decision, from the small stuff like what to watch or what to eat for dinner, to the bigger things like how we spent our time and money. It was humbling, to say the least. I realized that the idea of dying to self was a daily reality I had an opportunity to practice. Marriage has a way of holding up a mirror and showing you parts of your character you might have rather not seen. Learning to die to yourself, to genuinely put another person first not just occasionally but as a way of life, is something that does not come naturally, but it is one of the most sanctifying things I have ever had to learn.

To Carter & Anna: What does it look like for you and your spouse to put Jesus at the center of your marriage?  

A Christian couple must love Jesus more than they love each other. This may be hard for a young couple, deeply in love, to understand. “How can I love anyone more than this person?” But to love anything more than you love Jesus is idolatry. A godly beautiful wife (or husband) can be an idol if your heart has mixed up its priorities. Love your spouse deeply, but love Jesus more. One way to do that is to pursue Jesus together. Pray together and talk about the Word. 

To Mike & Ronda: How did your relationship change after having kids? 

After having children it just isn’t the two of you anymore, and [the struggle becomes] being able to just go places without pre-planning/preparing and spontaneity. Privacy becomes a challenge as well. It does get easier the older the children become, and we had a lot of fun with our kids as they grew up.  Also to strengthen the marriage you do need times of just the two of you.

To Mike & Ronda: What do you miss most about being single? 

Ronda: I don’t miss the uncertainty of being independent and only responsible for myself.  I like the camaraderie.  I don’t miss being single at all.

Mike: Since we got married while still in college, our singleness was fairly short lived. But there’s nothing about “singleness” that I would prefer anyway. Living with a bunch of guys is highly overrated.

To Jared & Molly: How do you prioritize your relationship in daily life? 

Date nights to Aldi & Menards! No really— spending time together.  Talking about things— daily check-ins. Usually after kids finally go to bed.

To Jared & Molly: In past trials, where have you most clearly seen God’s faithfulness in your marriage? 

Moving and finding church and community after each move.

Elaboration from me (Maggie):  We moved around a lot when I was little, and my mom expounded upon this answer verbally with me after she jotted this down. Moving with little kids is HARD, and God put certain people in my parents’ lives at the right time – not a coincidence! They were really encouraged and strengthened by those people, and also through the church communities we were a part of in those times.

To all couples: What piece of marriage advice would you give to a young couple today? 

CARTER AND ANNA:

We have had the opportunity to do pre-marital counseling for several couples, so we get to give marriage advice often. There’s one thing that we repeat over and over: The source of all conflict is unmet expectations. At the center of every frustration or disappointment or argument or hurt feeling or harsh word is the belief that something was going to go a certain way and it didn’t. The crazy part is that most of the expectations are subconscious – we don’t even know we have them. But when they aren’t met, we are left frustrated and hurt. So to combat this regular source of conflict, it is essential that couples communicate clearly and often. Let each other know what you are hoping for and why. This helps prevent a lot of those unmet expectations.

JARED AND MOLLY:

Advice:  intentional communication; discuss expectations; have a long-term plan & outlook; don’t stay mad.

MIKE AND RONDA: 

When it comes to important decisions like raising children, jobs, moving, etc., you must be like-minded. Recognize when one or both of you want something too much, that it may lead you down a regretful path that takes years to recover from. Just be honest with each other and don’t be afraid to ask hard questions.

1 John 4:19 

We love because he first loved us. 

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Maggie VerDught is a high school student who enjoys learning about culture, news, and politics.

She is passionate about sharing the truth, especially with her generation. Maggie loves to run, read, and write poetry in her spare time.

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