Holidays/Resources/Biblical Perspective

By Summer Lane

Photo: Deposit

Last week, we discussed the meaning of true love: self-sacrificial agape. A love that looks to serve others before ourselves. A long-lasting love designed by God for man. 

With Valentine’s Day weekend here, let’s remember that while romance and physical attraction may be the starting point of a love story, it’s often grit, determination, and prayer that continues the tale as life moves forward at a dizzying and sometimes chaotic pace.

When I was receiving premarital counseling alongside my then-fiancé a decade ago, I remember thinking that there was so many questions and so many mysteries about marriage. Premarital counseling didn’t really touch on the realities of what financial or emotional battles would look like. It didn’t talk about what life would look like when careers went up in flames, arguments and hurtful words were said, and parenting challenges nearly overwhelmed us like a tidal wave. In retrospect, the concept of premarital counseling was silly – it didn’t prepare us for anything at all. It simply checked a box and sent us on our way.

Now, more than a decade later, I realize that the core components to a resilient marriage are so much more than checking a box or having a good financial plan. To have a strong marriage, there are FIVE major things that can make all the difference:

1. Be transparent and totally open. It can be hard to be totally transparent with your spouse sometimes. Maybe this isn’t a struggle for you, and that’s great, but my husband and I both struggled to share our real feelings and emotions with each other for a long time! We were both very reserved people by nature, and I made the mistake, often, of just “hoping” he would figure out what was going on. WRONG. Save yourself time and wasted energy and get to the point. Be transparent and open. Talk about whatever it is that’s bugging you and get to the bottom of it. Don’t let it fester!
2. Serve each other other and give without expectation. One of my love languages is gift-giving. I LOVE to give, especially to my husband. But he gives and receives love in very different ways. Primarily, my husband communicates his love through acts of service – he is always serving around the house, making my life easier, fixing things, and taking care of problems. We should give to our spouses freely, and often, without an expectation of a return on that love. It’s a giving, selfless kind of love that helps you feel good about yourself, and your spouse will be inspired to return that love, too.
3. Assume the best. As a certified pessimist at times, I often want to immediately assume the worst about a person or a situation. In marriage, this is a recipe for disaster! Choose to believe the BEST about your spouse. Speak positively about them to other people and directly to them. Thank them when they do something kind for you and don’t be afraid to let them know that you are proud of them in every small thing. Believing the best rather than the worst will change your mindset, and it will change the way your spouse feels about themselves, too. Build them UP, don’t tear them DOWN.
4. Be willing to apologize. This is the hardest thing for me to do, and arguably, for most people. Apologizing when we’re wrong is uncomfortable and sometimes, painful. But it’s also freeing and it’s important. My husband and I have always tried to apologize to each other after we’ve thrown a few barbs, and this has been a very healing aspect of our relationship, because we are BOTH sinners, and we BOTH make mistakes! We have to have grace for each other in those moments.
5. Make big decisions together. Over the years, we have learned that it is so important to be united on big (or little) decisions. I’m an independent person, and so is my husband, but decisions involving your shared life together should be made in tandem, whether it’s financial opportunities or going on vacation. This ties into the importance of communicating with each other openly and honestly. It works! It can be hard, at times, but communicating on these issues are key to an honest relationship.

This Valentine’s Day, celebrate the love you have with your spouse by committing yourselves to communicate and serve each other without expectations or strings attached. Just LOVE each other, as Christ loves us, and you will always see the dividends of that.

We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

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Summer Lane is the #1 bestselling author of 30 books, including the hit Collapse Series and Resurrection Series. She is an experienced journalist and editor who is covering the White House and Trump administration. She owns Write Revolution News.

Summer is also a mom and wife who enjoys rural country living, herding cats, and gardening. She is passionate about writing on women’s issues, parenting, and politics from a theologically-grounded perspective that points readers to the good news of the gospel.

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