11 Nov, 2020 My Teen Is Having Sex. What Do I Do?
by Bethany Dumbleton
So you found out your teen is having sex…
Now what? As Christian parents, this is a subject we probably never planned on having to navigate. Unfortunately, the reality is that 44% of teenagers in the U.S. are sexually active. We raised our kids in church taking them to Vacation Bible School and sending them on all of the mission trips. The topic of sex was never off-limits and we have always felt that the lines of communication were established well. So what happened? Our children are just as fallen and sinful as we are, and we have to know it doesn’t matter how we raised them.No matter how we have raised our children we have to realize they are fallen and sinful just as we are. Yes, your teen is having sex, but there is a biblical way to handle it.
First and foremost, you must cultivate that line of communication you worked so hard to establish. The enemy loves to lie, so we must help them realize where their thoughts about sex may be skewed.
The world says to parents,
“There is no bad news if you find out your teen is having sex!” and we beg to differ. Out of all of the research we did on this topic the resounding answer was acceptance. Multiple sources agreed with talking to your teen, but the advice they gave on what to say was terribly unbiblical. We do not become “buddies” with our teens in order for them to talk to us. We are told we just need to educate them about STD’s, pregnancy, and the emotional bond that is created. “Accept the new normal,” that’s what the world tells us.
The world says to teens,
There are so many social benefits to being sexually active, you’ll have better relationships. It is completely normal and healthy to be sexually active now if you’re in a committed relationship. You should listen to your heart. Plus, having sex isn’t a big deal at all. Just be safe, use condoms, and birth control. And did we mention the fact that it puts you in a great mood?
What does the Word say?
The Word tells us and our teenagers the same thing. Being outside of God’s design for marriage is not just sinful, it is hurtful. God set boundaries in place because He calls us to righteousness and for our protection. Sex is great, but it has to be under God’s guidelines. The truth is that sexual activity bonds us to that individual (Mark 10:8) and to break that bond is very painful. To create that bond and honor it with your spouse is rewarding. To have a child outside of marriage is extremely difficult, whereas, having one in marriage is a calling (Gen 9:7). The word also tells us it is a sin against our own body (1 Cor 3:8), and that can reflect what it does in our brain development or our physical health.
Once we realize how much we, and our kids, have been lied to by the world it’s time to make a plan to fight back. Most of our kids feel guilty for their sexual sin or their desire for it. Guilt keeps things hidden, and we need to bring them to the light. As we bring them to light we can help them set boundaries in their relationships.
Discuss these things with them and allow them to have input while keeping your authority known. Something to consider from the get-go is the type of person they are in a relationship with. Will this person honor their decision to remain faithful to God’s word? If not, they need to go. You can set rules like not being alone in the house together or deciding what physical touches become too much and how to stop before them.
Set emotional boundaries with them. Once we give ourselves emotionally, it becomes very easy to give ourselves physically. Help them understand how to not “awaken love until the time is right.” (Song of Solomon 2:7) They can prepare themselves for this by prayer. Be prepared for how to deal with finding out your teen is having sex by using the same tool.
In reality, we should be praying for our kids in this area from the moment they are born. Asking the Holy Spirit for discernment as they grow to see where they are weak and how we can help them. Like we said at the beginning, God doesn’t want our kids trapped in the bondage of sexual sin. He will guide you from the time they are children, into adolescence, as they become teenagers, and into adulthood. We are never alone. We must seek God, ask God, and then trust God in his guidance.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” -Philippians 4:6
Bethany Dumbleton is the Chief Operations Officer for Counter Culture mom. She is first and foremost a devoted follower of Jesus Christ.
Her husband and two children are her main ministry which overflows into her life ministry. She knows that our children follow our example. She strives to help parents grow in Christ, so they may shepherd their children biblically.
You can also check out our previous blog about purity. Katrina does a wonderful job of giving great biblical advice.
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